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Articles

by Rusty Stewart, Ph.D.

Maybe it's best if I start off with what listening is not. Listening is not making assumptions, is not mind reading, is not thinking about a response while engaged in dialogue, is not remaining silent during a conversation, is not doing something else while someone is talking to you, is not ignoring your intuition and inner voice, is not engaging in your ego self, is not being closed minded, is not defending. I'm quite sure this list is not exhaustive. However, you get my point. Listening in many cases is the opposite of the above examples. However, it is much more than that. Listening is reflective, it is active, and it is in the present moment without ego distractions. Let me elaborate.

Listening is a very simple process. It's being vulnerable and empathetic without any outcome or agenda attachment. It's reflecting or mirroring the communication back to the sender for validation or correction. The reason it is advanced is because most of us have too much of our own shit blocking the process which renders us fearful of being vulnerable, incapable of empathy, and having to fix or have an outcome in our communications. It also raises all of our defenses and leaves us in our own self-righteous version of what was just said. No reflecting or mirroring, just interpretation based on our own history, our perception. And this is how we communicate in the world. It's all the things that listening is not. And it keeps us all in our separate little world lonely and right! Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? We cannot have both. Because if we are right, someone else has to be wrong. Not a good recipe for successful relationships. Nobody likes to be wrong, especially if someone else is accentuating it through their self-righteous indignation. Sound familiar? Sound like a lot of what is going on in the world today? Sound like polarity with both sides positioning themselves in their rightness? Is this listening? You decide.

So here are some tools to help you become a reflective or active listener. You may find these difficult. After all, we've been doing things a certain way for many many years. Change does not happen quickly, it takes practice. You'll be surprised how little you really know about people when you start using these techniques. You'll realize that its all been about you! One of the best books to learn how to communicate and listen differently is "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. (1988). One of the most powerful listening tools Harville promotes is mirroring. With mirroring, one person is talking while the other person is listening. The big difference in listening is that the person listening knows that they have to mirror or reflect back what they hear to the other person. Then the mirroring person mirrors back what the person said by saying I heard you say and then, did I get that? Is there more? Many times you have to break it up into smaller chunks as people forget if the person talks too long. Then the person mirroring asks, is that correct? The other person says, it was correct, or says, no this is what I was saying, and then the person mirrors back again. Once the mirroring part is over then the person who is listening validates by saying, I can understand that or that makes no sense to me because…(keep this short). And then finally the listener empathizes by saying, that must make you feel…(feelings are one word, not phrases). This is just the beginning of listening actively. There are many workshops you can take and books you can read to help you learn how to actively listen (Luquet, 1996).

Listening is not just about what others are saying. It is also about the messages that are coming from ourselves about ourselves. This is the main reason we are out of touch with others when listening. We are largely out of touch with ourselves. How do we listen to our mind, body, and spirit? The truth is available to us all the time if we will only listen. Once again it is our own ego shit that blocks us from our own truth and wisdom. The more we meditate, breathe, do yoga, or any practice that brings us back to the moment, our center, the more we will hear and listen to our inner voice. When we are out of balance our body will tell us. When we are in our heads we will receive feedback from ourselves and others that something is not working. When we are split off from our spiritual selves there is a sense that we are alone and trying to do everything ourselves. Sometimes this shows up as an overwhelming feeling. If we become active listeners, we can mirror back to ourselves and break the pattern of ego denial.

Balance is the key. Going inward, becoming vulnerable, keeping an open mind, being empathetic and compassionate of ourselves and others, and most importantly, staying present. If we are not present with ourselves, how can we be present with others? You can practice all the communication skills you like, but until we can listen to ourselves, we will never truly be able to listen to others. It's really that simple! But it's not easy!

Yoga Living, January/February 2005